Thought of the Week: Grudges

Firstly, I hope that everyone had a great Labor Day Weekend.  In Saint Louis, fall weather is in full spring and I am in my cold-blooded element because this weather is certainly fat-friendly!  In a few weeks time, my cardigans and sweater vests will be taken out of moth balls and I will be truly happy.

I thought for this week I would use Sunday's Gospel as a good jumping board for my reflection.  The gospel can be found here:  http://www.usccb.org/bible/readings/090411.cfm.

I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights I have had regarding my thoughts, words and actions with regards to this person or that event.  In my dealings with family, friends and others, I typically appear to be friendly and nonchalant.  I will give you an insight to my mind, and perhaps my soul:  what appears is not my nature; I am a very anxious person!  I often lie awake wondering, Did I offend this person?, Was I too obnoxious?, Could I have dealt with this situation better?, and the big one:  Am I at fault? 

As human beings, we do not want to admit fault or wrong-doing of any kind.  Yet, we make mistakes and we sin.  However, we can be forgiven by our friend, community and God.  The hardest part, though, is admitting that we failed to ourselves and putting our tail between our legs either in a gesture of seeking forgiveness or in the act of forgiving.  This requires a certain humility.

This past Sunday's gospel pushes us to look to ourselves and see where we have failed, whether it was brought to our attention or not.  For my part, several events and persons have caused me great anguish and pain over the years and it can be hard to see my place in how these events unraveled because of my closeness to them.  I have learned that forgiving yourself is a process.  A good Catholic, who regularly partakes of the Sacrament of Penance, can hear the words of absolution from the priest in persona Christi, know that God has forgiven them and still have a hell of a time forgiving himself.

Two years ago, I was greatly troubled by a course of events that occurred with regards to a friend I held quite dear.  I will not go into details, but to say it wounded me deeply and I have been anxious about it for all this time.  After an almost two-year struggle, much prayer and many sleepless nights, I can now say that I am at peace with my own fault in the matter.  Both us felt hurt and betrayed by the other.  This week, I reached out to my friend in a reconciliatory gesture apologizing for my anger, frustration and grudge-bearing.  It feels as though a great burden has been lifted!

I do not write this to toot my own horn or to show how I am the bigger person.  Rather, I write this because of the goodness that has and can come from it.  Making these gestures of reconciliation to our family, friends and neighbors that have hurt us or that we have hurt can be quite cathartic.  It certainly is a process that may take days or years.  But, as Christians, we are not a people meant to hold grudges; we are called to seek justice, mercy and peace.  Our Lord tells us to forgive our enemies and frenemies before giving Him our offering at His holy altar.  I may be paraphrasing here, but the message is the same.

So, what can you do to be more forgiving?  It seems as though you must begin by forgiving yourself, praying for those that have hurt you and those you have hurt, and by reaching out in love.  I am in no way suggesting that you enable those who may take advantage of you or that you reach out to those who could put you in physical harm's way.  But, can you let go of the grudge?  We may like bear grudges, but they are a parasite to our souls feeding on all that is good.  So, let it loose and forgive.  You will be happier, healthier and holier in the long run; plus, you will be one step closer to heaven!